Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize