Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
