So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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