Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
