Screwed.edu
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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