Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
