My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize