I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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