Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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