what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
