Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
