Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Come on in and take your pants off
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