He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize