so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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