I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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