she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have feelings that need drinking.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
