I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
