I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
