I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
