I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
