she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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