dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
