Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
