just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
How does it feel to date your dad?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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