HIV tests are more positive than that guy
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
