Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
