too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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