all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
