yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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