do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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