The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
