I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
