I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Couch. On fire.
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