Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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