I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
