That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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