Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my shit smells like andre
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
