My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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