I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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