Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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