I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
