if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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