I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
