So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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