Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
