I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
