I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
