I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
