I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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