just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
