i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
