I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
