wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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