Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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