If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
