just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
