the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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