My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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