I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
