i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
