I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
