I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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