Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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