You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
